This is not a tale of people who are afraid of things in the forest. There are lots of scary things in the forest, and I’m not one to judge what someone should or shouldn’t feel comfortable with. This is a story about one of the most terrifying animals you will ever encounter working in the forests of Alberta. They have given me more small heart attacks than any other species on earth. They have taunted me with their wimpy little noises. One has even given me the largest bruise I’ve ever had.
This horrible creature is known as…
THE GROUSE
Look at that guy. Strutting around confidently knowing he’s the real bull of the woods. They kind of look like a mixture of a dove and a chicken standing just under a foot in height. They walk pretty slowly but are known for their “drumbeat” like wing strokes when flying (more on that in the weapons section). They are often hunted in the Canadian prairies, often times with a slingshot, because they are extremely delicious when cooked over a fire. After centuries of being hunted by humans, they are starting to fight back. Once they ate only plants, but soon began expanding to insects and invertebrates. They’re coming after humans next.
WEAPONS
STEALTH MODE
The secret weapon of the grouse has always been it’s stealth mode capabilities. Because grouse are basically eaten by everything, when they’re not moving around they hunker down under bushes. When someone, like me for example, is in close range of the little guy, they get perfectly still and don’t make any noise. So you’re walking through the forest which is deathly silent, then, usually less than 5 feet away from you, bongo drums (their wings) start going off as they fly in the other direction. You have a small heart attack and potentially die. Grouse 1, Human 0.
RAZOR SHARP BEAK
Look at those pictures I posted above. That beak is sharp. They could take an eye out with that thing. Especially if you’re already stunned from their stealth mode attack. Grouse 2, Human 0
KAMIKAZE KILL TACTICS
At my last job, we got the super cool secret government mission of building the Alberta Parks campground reservation website. It was the job of the foresters and the GIS professionals to GPS everything in these campgrounds (campsites, roads, laundry machines, trails, basically everything).
I was GPSing a trail on my bike at Sir Winston Churchill campground up by Lac La Biche. It was a long, straight, narrow trail about 2m wide. I spotted four innocent looking prairie chickens ahead on the trail. I thought if I rode my bike fast enough right at them, they would get scared and dive into the bush. When I was about 25 meters away, that’s exactly what two of them did, dive into the bush. The other two did something completely unexpected. They started flying straight at me about 5 feet off the ground. I held my bearing, and continued riding towards them in what I thought was a harmless game of “chicken” (pun completely intended). They’ll just fly into the bush right?
Wrong. 10 meters away and they’re still coming hard at me. About 2 meters away one veers off slightly and cruises just over my shoulder. The other one didn’t avoid me. He went straight for heart. He smashed into the left side of my chest and we both went down hard. I crashed into the bush and he staggered around the trail until gathering himself enough to hide from my wrath in the bush. I had a bruise the size of a basketball right in front of my heart. My arm hurt from where I landed on it. The skin was broken where his beak hit, and he walked away a little dazed but none the worse for wear. Grouse 3, Human 0
SUMMARY
Working and playing in the forest is definitely an awesome time, but it can be scary. There are definitely things worse in the bush then grouse and their pea sized brains, but you learn how to deal with those things and can turn it into a pretty rewarding job once you’re more comfortable working outdoors.
I hope you can find a job you love and have meaningless (endless) battles with harmless creatures like I have.